...family habits [part two]

Subject: ...family habits [part two] Fri Sep 05, 2008 6:55 pm

HABIT 5: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND ... THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD

There's simply no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships without real understanding. Most mistakes with our family members are not the result of bad intent. It's just that we don't understand. We don't see clearly into each other's hearts.

Really listening to get inside another person's mind and heart is called "empathic" listening. It enables you to see as someone else sees-and it also helps family members feel safe in sharing, gets to the real issues and helps people connect with their own unique gifts.

Suppose that for several days, your teenage daughter has seemed unhappy. One night, while you're washing dishes together, she finally begins to open up: "Our family rule that I cant date until I'm older is embarrassing me to death. All my friends are dating. I feel like I'm out of it."

An empathic response would attempt to reflect back what your daughter feels and says, so that she would feel that you really understand. For example: "You kind of feel torn up inside. You understand the rule, but you feel embarrassed when you have to say no to dates. Is that what you mean?"

She might say yes and go on deeper into her feelings. Or she may say,

"Well, not exactly. What I really mean is..." \When you give an understanding response, you make it safe for her to open up. You make it comfortable for her to air the problem so that together you can search for solutions. And you build the relationship.

There are other expressions of empathy besides summarizing and reflecting. Sometimes total silence may be empathic; sometimes a nod or a single word is empathic. Empathy is a very flexible, sincere and humble process.

But there's more to Habit 5. It doesn't mean seek only to understand. It simply means that you listen and understand first. This is the key to .being understood and influencing others. When you are open to their influence, you'll almost always have greater influence with them.

One woman shared this:

My husband and I did not see eye to eye on spending. He wanted to buy things I felt were unnecessary and expensive. 1 couldn't explain to him the pain I felt as our debt mounted.

Final I decided to find a different way to express myself and influence the situation. I realized that my husband sometimes just didn't see the connection between his spending decisions and their consequences. So when he said, "lt. would really be nice to have (something)," I'd say, "You know, it would. Let's see what would happen if we bought that." I would take out the budget and say, "Now if we spend this, we won't have money to do that." When he truly saw the consequences of spending decisions, he often came to the conclusion him self that we were better off not buying the item in question. I also discovered that with some of the purchases he wanted to make, the benefits really did outweigh the drawbacks.

When people know they will have an opportunity to be fully heard, they can relax. They don't have to become over-reactive, because they know that their time to be understood will come. This dissipates negative energy and helps people develop internal patience and self-control.

This is one of the great strengths of Habit 5. Remember, the key is in the sequence: First you seek to understand another person's point of view; then you share your own. It's not just what to do. It's also why and when.

HABIT 6: SYNERGIZE

Synergy is the magic that happens when one plus one equals three-or more. It comes out of the spirit of mutual respect and understanding you've created and produces a brand-new way to solve a problem.

A friend recently told me a story that captures the essence of Habit 6:

After one week of practice, my son wanted to quit the high school basketball team. I was very disappointed. I worried that if he quit basketball he would just keep quitting things. My son didn't want to hear me at all. I was so upset I walked away.

Over the next two days, I wondered just what had made him want to quit. Finally, I decided to talk to him again. [Habit 5: seeking to understand.] At first he didn't even want to discuss it, so I asked him about other things. After some time, he began to tear up and he said,

"Dad, I know you think you understand me, but you don't. No one knows how rotten I feel."

I replied, "Pretty tough, huh?" [Habit 5: empathic listening.]

He then literally poured his heart out. He expressed his pain at constantly being compared to his brothers and said he felt I favored them, He also told me about the insecurities he felt- not only in basketball, but in all areas of his life. And he said he felt that he and I had somehow lost touch with each other.

His words really humbled me. I had the feeling that what he said about the comparisons with his brothers was true. I acknowledged my sorrow to him [Habit 1: proactivity, and-with much emotion--I apologized.

But I also told him that I still thought he would benefit from being on the team. He listened patiently, but he would not budge from his decision. Finally, I asked him if he liked basketball. He said he loved it, but he disliked all the pressure associated with playing for the school team. He said that instead, he would really like to play for the church team-but that team's coach had just moved away.

I found myself feeling good about what he was saying. I was still a little disappointed that he wouldn't be on the school team, but I was glad that he still wanted to play [Habits 4 and 5: win-win thinking and effort to understand].

At that point, almost by magic, a new idea came into both of our minds at the same time. In unison we said, "I/You could coach the church team!" [Habit 6: synergy and a new alternative solution]. The weeks I spent as the coach of that team were among the happiest of my athletic experiences. And they provided some of my most memorable experiences as a father.

This father and son seemed locked in a win-lose situation. But then the father made an important shift. He sought to really understand his son. Together they came up with a better way-an entirely new solution that was a true win for both.

The key to synergy is to celebrate the difference. It's not enough to simply tolerate differences in the family. To have the kind of creative magic we're talking about, you must be able to say sincerely, "The fact that we see things differently is a strength-not a weakness-in our relationship."

Synergy also helps you to create a culture in which you can successfully deal with any challenge you might face. The culture created by Habits 4, 5 and 6 is like an immune system. It protects your family so that when mistakes are made, or when you get blindsided by some physical, financial or social challenge, you don't get knocked out. You can deal with whatever life throws at you and use it to make the family stronger.

HABIT 7: SHARPEN THE SAW If done properly, consistently and in a balanced way, Habit 7 will cultivate all of the other six habits and keep them strong and vibrant. How? Simply by using them in renewing activities-especially, family traditions. That's what we mean by "sharpening the saw."

Traditions give family members a sense of belonging, of being understood, of being supported, of being committed to something that's greater than self. And the family renews the emotional energy of a tradition every time they revisit it.

Think of all the opportunities for fulfilling traditions:

0 Family dinners. You may have only one good meal together each week, but if it is meaningful and fun, the family table can become more of an altar than an eating counter.

0 Family vacations. Planning for a vacation, anticipating it and thinking about it-as well as laughing about the fun times and the dumb times we had on past vacations-are enormously rewarding to our family.

*Extended and intergenerational family activities. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and other extended family members can have a tremendous positive influence. Broaden almost any activity, such as Sunday dinner, to include them.

*Worshipping together. Research shows that shared worship is one of the characteristics of healthy, happy families. It can create context, unity and mutual understanding- much in the same way that a family mission statement does.

*Serving together. This tradition can be tremendously renewing. Can you imagine anything more bonding, more unifying, more energizing than working together to accomplish something that is really meaningful and worthwhile?

*Working together. There are many ways to create the tradition of working together, at home or in a parent's place of business-and many benefits of doing it. Our daughter Catherine remembered:

One tradition we had in our family was the "ten-minute program." That meant that everyone would work really hard for ten minutes to clean up the house. We all knew that if we had eighteen hands working, it would go a lot faster than two.

We also had "work parties." We'd work really hard for three or four hours to get something done, but we'd have food and laugh and talk as we worked. We'd also do something fun after, like go to a movie. Everyone expected they'd have to work. It was just part of life. But it was so much better with these little treats.

As your family works together on Habit 7 and all the other habits, remember: Like a new pair of glasses or a new, more accurate map-the 7 Habits framework can help you to see and communicate more clearly, and will help you to arrive where you, as a family, want to go.[/color

» ...family habits..
» ..family man..